brave

Updated: 5 days ago

You need to do this on your own.

You need to be brave, not confident. Confidence is an illusion; being brave is found in action.


Medium: "Who's David?"

Me: "That's my ex, recent ex."

Medium: "There are no secrets here, Jill when spirit steps forward. They just want to give you validation about David, um, and why they're doing that, um, you have to understand why everyone just brought up David, is to say ... I need to say this right."

Me: "I know why." (shaking head in understanding while crying)

Medium: "I'm not surprised you know why; you're so connected. All I can tell you is that everything is building up to the person that is coming, and everything you have gone through, and all your ancestors this moment is prepping you. Your grandmother just said to me, "The phenomenal and amazing thing about my granddaughter, is that she's been through so much, but she's learned from so much. There are times she just feels - I give up, I'm done, but in her soul there is so much learning, she's connecting with her soul."

Medium: What's coming for you Jill is your finally moment. Your grandmother just said, "But, my granddaughter is suspicious, she now doesn't love very easily, she doesn't open very easily, she has walls up and doesn't want to get hurt." Jill, they could give me specifics, name, what he looks like, everything that's coming to you, but you need to prep, they tell me you are approaching the best times and best years of your life."

This conversation will have happened a year ago, in August of 2021.


2020 into 2022 have been two of the most challenging years, after 2014 and 2016, of my life. In June 2021, I abruptly ended a relationship, and a week later, my dog of 16 years passed away. It was as if someone had reached into my chest and ripped my heart out.


And then, there was silence.


My girlfriend and reiki practitioner asked me to go out and date. "Find different people who communicate like you, are in the same space as you and do something different." So I did. I even had the opportunity to create a friendship with a lovely and creative daughter of one of the men. However, in the end, I found only distractions when I needed to be finding myself. I was a mess, and others knew it.


Fast forward to June 2022, over a year later. I'm in the middle of nowhere. I had to pull myself out, my life was in a hamster wheel.


Nothing has worked out as I had planned, moving. Nothing. Somehow, I do feel protected and in solitude, I have minimal contact with anyone and very little to distract me from my future. I have an amazing mentor to remind me why I'm here, and have met truly kind people who's stories are very close to my heart. I don't feel alone.

This is the end of a cycle for me and the doors are closing. Someone might think the door just closes, but it doesn't. It's a very slow closing door.


Nonetheless, I've had to find peace and closure in relationships past and present.


Reflecting, I look back asking, "What happened? Why did that happen? What was going on at that time and there?" I ask the questions that help me work on myself. The shadow work of ego, generational and lineage conditioning passed down like, codependency, grief, environmental conditions, and trauma.


I've learned I dread being codependent, suffocated, and often move away from things that don't give some autonomy, freedom and independence. Yet, at every opportunity, dysfunction gets me entangled with it.


I no longer want to bear these burdens. If I continue to hold on, my life will not have what I desire, which is opening my heart to what I deserve.


We are only creators.


As a creator, I co-created my reality with others. For years I thought I was a victim of these relationships I chose, but I wasn't. I found myself trying to fit where I didn't belong. I suffered terribly and so has my health.


Our interactions are our lessons. What is the intention?

I'm not waiting for anyone to come back or head back to fix anything from the past. I'm not looking for validation, to be appreciated or valued for my worth. To go back to anyone in this manner is only reflecting who we really weren't in that space and time.


The relationships that have ended - there is no hate, dislike, blame, or lack of love. They were about the ability to accept and acknowledge my truth, as my soul pulled me away a year ago. I knew I was hurting myself by staying, I knew the truth, and I had to show up for myself.


I recently heard a metaphor for this concept of knowing the answer: "That's like saying, I know the answer on the test, but I'm going to wait until the very end or last minute to fill it in. It's about the way you're showing up to take the test altogether."

Walking away and withdrawing, I'm beginning to finally breathe. Oh, yeah, it's quiet. And, it's been a lot more challenging and painful than I care to explain. But avoiding responsibilities I have to myself, or escaping and denying the thoughts in my mind, I have no options but to face them. I'm not distracting myself with one more assignment, or some new person hoping they will erase what's happening inside, or participating in the busyness of doing like I had done in the past.

Some of us get dragged through some difficult and long dramatic spiritual lessons. I don't want to be doing this "hard" work at 60, or 70, or even 80, life is too short. I want to "get" it and flow through it.


My journey has been ongoing for over 12 years, the work certainly doesn't get done overnight, or in a year, honestly, it takes more uncomfortable experiences to evolve us.


Slowing down, and having support pulled from me is my time to confront myself as a co-creator. To stop being foolish, running, and playing around as if something or someone else will save me.


I've given up a lot leaving abruptly and I mean a lot. Money, security, and I've been extremely humbled - extremely. Being brave is doing the things that scare us the most. It's being vulnerable, going without, and sometimes having no idea of what is ahead. And I have absolutely no idea what's ahead. None. Zero.


But, I'm trusting (not sure yet) in something bigger than myself to show me a way, let it come to me. Remember the dialog with the Medium? It is my time to be brave.