co-creating from dysfunction

I came to Maine because I was done. Done. Life was not working for me.


Feeling an enormous amount of discomfort from unhealed grief, pain, and sorrow, I'm learning that my co-creating with life has been coming from a place of dysfunction. I knew something, but I didn't really know.


It's been my losses that have often pushed me out, pulled me back, or moved me forward. And, they also have me reliving an unconscious way of being, over and over again. Same types of people, same dynamics, but different scenery.


I'd kindly like to let go of it. I'm waking up.


If my desire is to have a home, family, security, safety, companionship, enough money, and a community to find a place in, how is it possible creating from a place of drama, addictions, insecurity, unsafe people, insecurity, jealousy?


Unraveling from this space.


I'm working through my "dark night of the soul," and have been since 2020, perhaps even further back. Through, trials, temptations and abandonment, I question everything. The process, it's not positive or inspiring, it's a lot of pain - excruciating pain. Most, like, 93.55% of people don't understand it. My family doesn't understand it.


My heart is struggling, broken, and wants to believe will I be provided for? Will I be clothed, lodged, and fed? Will I be supported? And will open my heart open again?


I don't have those answers.


I grew up in dysfunction. My memories are filled with fights, yelling, drama, threatening behaviors, addictions, and immaturity. I was a sensitive child, absorbing it all, and I've carried it with me for years. As a child, I believed I was going to save my mom and protect her when I grew older. Little did I know that it would be me that I needed to save and protect.


I'm often asked to be more selfish. I give more than I get. And honestly, I've tried over and over to say what's truthful for me only to have it backfire one too many times. I feel to much for people - something that has frustrated many others on my journey who've tried to be there for me with guidance and assistance.


I see things others don't. Now I get it.


New age gurus tell us, train yourselves to be positive, spend your lifetime repeating affirmations. Great, but they are only words. If your internal self is riddled with poor conditioning and there is no higher frequency of good intended energy behind it, or no emotion, or connection, affirming words is useless.


Awakening, and the dark night of the soul, is teaching me the internal point of my inherited dysfunction. We can't rid ourselves of the shadow, so I need to work with it to co-create in a more meaningful way.