Our lives are filled with synchronicities. For example, yesterday's quote from my Dandapani app stated, "What a precious gift life is. I'm grateful to be alive every day and part of that gratitude is making a promise to live every day fully. For this, clarity of one's purpose in life is necessary." Later, I listened to a podcast where the host stated, "You need to decide if you are in or out of the game; you can't move forward if you don't know where you want to be." Synchronicity happens all the time, but are we paying attention?
Then I remembered a poem I wrote for a family member in 2018 who was going through a dark time, a dark night of the soul, it was a painful experience to watch and I'm not sure I knew what to say, I just listened, wiped so many tears, and I remember thinking I've never seen tears like this, it was different. The experience we shared was of deep pain, sadness, and perhaps a bit cathartic for them.
I remember them looking at me and saying, "I'm not like you; I'm not strong, independent, and I can't do what you do," which is not entirely true. They are very strong, independent, and can do what I do. We all at some point fall from grace and need to surrender to figure out how to live for our best interests. I still love them, even though they can't see themselves differently, I don't judge, sometimes I question, but I don't judge. I've learned the hard way about judging from a past relationship; my passion to protect, or want to "help" can manifest as judgment, which is not my intention but it is what I have learned. So, I'm working harder to be an active listener and observer.
As I think back, I'm glad to not have used the words that had been said to me from well-meaning, but ill-equipped people, "I don't believe in suicide," "I would never abandon my family," and "Seriously, it's not okay!" None of these comments are helpful because in someone's dark space they have framed death to not be feared, nor is it selfish (unless it's attention-seeking, then we need to talk). What it is is the answer to an insurmountable amount of pain that is being held in the body, literally. Pain physically and mentally.
This morning I woke up and searched for the poem and here it is four years later, February 27, 2018 (on March 27, 2022), and my relative is still alive and well.
Two Weeks Today
Do you know ...
what it feels like
no longer wanting to live?
To let go, end it all
I'm tired
Two weeks today -
I watched the tears fall
emptiness in your eyes
To feel left behind
live in darkness
to feel every failure, hurt, loss
Knowing you let go,
ended it all
long before today
So very long ago
Deserted, hollow, empty,
a place that once held your heart
Living in silence
a soul screaming, no one can hear
no one can help
no one is listening
River of tears in the darkness
brought to your knees
if I could just ... save you
A soul desperate to
grab hold - stay connected
as it continues to break apart
There is a pain too deep to explain
Too smart for this
darkness has a grip, no one can see
you hide everything
you can't let go
Unimaginable failure
rumbles through your mind
An empty home, friendships faded
a loneliness that is inescapable
talking, no one to listen
crying, no one to wipe tears
How did I get here?
I deserve so much more,
why wasn't it mine?
Accolades, success, ego ...
it knows of nothing
only stuff, material, and illusions
Loneliness in darkness
wanting to let go
my body hurt, my soul aches
Souls are not ...
a Will must be strong
fight the darkness, a soul screams
the light, a glimmer of hope in solitude
to be alone, you are not lonely
Longing for someone to save us
they never show up
no one shows up
we can't show up
No one knows
the suffering exists alone
meant to be - ask of yourself
Ironic, outcry, selfish it sounds
Your longing for peace from pain
I understand, but yin-yang
like the darkness, light is within
Your soul can shine
two choices you will have -
and you look at me with disgust
Do you love yourself?
do you love yourself enough?
do you love yourself above all else?
When you asked ... "Do you know ...?"
I smiled and replied, "I do."
J Carrico
February 27, 2018
A quick info bite on Synchronicity:
"The concept is linked to the psychology of Carl Jung. Jung didn't coin the word (the "simultaneousness" sense of synchronicity was already in use), but he gave it special importance in his writings. Jung believed that such "meaningful coincidences" play an important role in our lives. Today, some people even look to synchronicities for spiritual guidance."
“Synchronicity.” Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary, Merriam-Webster, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/synchronicity. Accessed 27 Mar. 2022.