Time to Grieve

My body has a way of purging - when it's time. I'm sick this weekend with a virus, and the dog is also not feeling well. As usual with any of my illnesses, what surfaced was an intense amount of grief and the grieving of many things that have happened and never happened. I had never given myself the space or time to take care of this internal and lingering sorrow, until now, when it has finally shown up.


We all need to grieve. I think it's why the advice to never jump into another situation is so helpful. But, inevitably, we jump. Then we end up grieving and realizing that what we've jumped into is or was never going to serve us because we were unwell.


We push the pain down we don't grieve. We become addicted (escape) to something to cope with the pain, relationship hopping, drugs, sex, alcohol, food, work, shopping, and many more things coming mostly from our ego. We push people away and isolate ourselves. We feel shame, embarrassment, and loneliness. We do things, not ourselves, not in our character, but we are trying desperately to cope, consciously or unconsciously. We sometimes head into dark areas, like suicidal ideation or suicide when our pain becomes too heavy.


When we don't grieve, we continue to live in pain and hurt people, and hurt people, hurt other people.


Maybe the scariest part of grieving is the time it takes to do it. It may take 3 months, 6 months, or many years, and I can see why we become shocked and think, "I can't give up years of my life to do this work, I need sex, I need intimacy, I need, I need ..." Again, it's this idea of missing out. But imagine how much more you miss out on because you're not present today because you're grieving about yesterday, 2 years ago, and 20 years ago. Or, you're grieving for the future that will never happen with your past. We torture ourselves; I know, I'm here, I'm doing the work now, after many years. I'm doing the work for today and the future, and I'm doing it because it hasn't helped me be in the present moment.


I've never been shy, I share my vulnerability well, so here is some of the healing I'm working on presently:

  • The death of my childhood, taken by emotionally immature parents

  • Forgiving my emotionally immature parents

  • Grieving the relationship and connections I will never have with my parents

  • The death of my stepfather, the grieving I did behind closed doors so my ex wouldn't see me in pain since he did not support me through his departure

  • Grieve my innocence taken by a predator

  • The death of my pets also ended cycles of relationships and periods that were meaningful

  • Identity theft, which violated every part of me and stole what I cherished and worked so hard to develop, myself and my career

  • The career I no longer hold, an identity I knew for so long because work is where I found meaning and purpose, and my identity

  • The homes I left and the house I was not contracted to, and a home that never became my home

  • The friendships I remembered and the same friends of today who have become distant memories of yesterday, they no longer exist

  • The projections of self and of what others wanted me to personify, who they wanted me to be

  • All the "I love you's" I said, not returned, not supported, used and disrespected, and misused, abused, and for those who never showed up

  • The death of everything I knew to be ...

  • Letting go of ancestry wounds and inherited family identities of abuse, codependency, and poverty

And if you need too

  • Grieve the divorce, the affairs, and abuse

  • Loss of children, either through divorce, separation, or health crisis

  • Loss of your youth, aging, and poor self-care, addictions

  • The loss of life, guilt, and shame, or embarrassment

Whatever it is ... that continues to hold you back, be honest with yourself and true to you. It is only then that you can be true to others.


If someone told me to take space and time and grieve rather than "don't do," or "you need to..." I probably would have proceeded the same way, stuffing my pain. It took the last personal connection that pushed me into uprooting, something I needed to do and had wanted to do for a long time. A weekend illness to finally explore that grieving for what no longer exists and what will never be or had no place to live in my life. Don't hold on, life is too short. Grieving is going to be the only way to explore and open yourself up to a healthy new beginning.


Resources:

Sarah the Grief Coach

The Journey of Grieving, Feeling and Healing

Grief: A Pathway to Forgiveness

On Healing and Forgiveness

The Emotionally Absent Mother

The Fatherless Daughter Project

When to Walk Away

Overcoming Rejection, When People Hurt You & Life Isn't Fair (one of my favorites)

Trauma is irreversible. How it shapes us is our choice

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

Running on Empty No More

The New Strong, Stop Fixing Yourself