It's Just How it Feels ...

Updated: May 11

Believe in karma? Karmic cycles? Karmic relationships, workplaces, people, friends, friends of friends, or family? How about a Saturn Return and the experiences and lessons we learn through cycles and need to apply while we finally decide to grow up? Or are these just the wacky metaphysical concepts some of us use to justify dysfunctional upbringings and an inability to know what's best for ourselves without the difficult lessons?

In a recent conversation with a friend, I asked, "Why does __________ happen to me? He said, "Because you give and give." Right, I do, and I fail to see where people can't give back, or meet me half-way, or I ignore it, sigh.

I was listening to a woman recently that summed up the last twelve years for me:

"Someone is still on your mind. This is going way, way back. You have been literally forced out of every single group, connection, friendship, not everything, but it feels like it.

Then you ask, "Where's mine, where's mine, where's mine?" Like a sad little dog.

Because you've been putting so much love and healing energy out there and into the world. For - we don't want you, nope, not you, not you, not you. You have been faced with so much rejection.

When you continuously repeat, I know I love _____________ (career, job, relationship, friendship), how can this be wrong? Because the right thing hasn't shown up yet. You have been forced out of situations, time and time again (there's a LOT of truth here).

You are literally traveling by yourself with your dog ... carrying your bags. And you're saying to yourself, "You know what, I'll start over again ... I'll start over again I guess, start from scratch again, I guess."

When you're turned away; when someone doesn't want to be your friend, or you're not invited, or you're rejected, and someone doesn't want to get to know you deeper romantically. And someone doesn't want to pick you for the role, the chair, the position; it hurts so bad because you would give your all, you may not be the best at it, but you would give your everything.

But no chances - have led to starting over, time and time again. So you have "it," but no one is matching your energy. Wrong location, wrong building, wrong job, wrong friend group, and wrong relationship. If you are not being uplifted, loved, seen, praised, respected and appreciated, it's the wrong group. You have been everyone's option - everyone's, option.

You are different, unique, and have your own thing; you know that you are so different that you are not everyone's cup of tea. You're not basic, and you're not boring. And you have not been around people who are uplifting you; you haven't been around the right people or experiences.

You have been screwed over many, many times, especially around love, friendship, and connections. It has ripped your sweet, sensitive, giving, and over-giving heart. And it's taken every bit of your strength to get that needle and thread and sew your own heart back together. But know, with all your scars, your scars are your power."

I couldn't have summed up my life over twelve years any better than this young lady did for me. Some friends have told me to open up more, but when you have had many rejections, it's often difficult and a slow process to do, and people want everything now. I cherish those that have stayed in my small circle, some old and some new friends and mentors.

My glass is still half-full, my heart is being stitched, and there may be some truth to, "rejection is protection," perhaps another post in the future will share a silver lining.